WARNING: This post may disturb you. There are no adult graphics or gorge or anything which might be considered gross (except for the odd curse-word, I guess), but this post is an insight into my inner workings, and trust me, what you see ain’t pretty.
To make it clear: these conversations went on in my head. I wasn’t standing in my bedroom at 5 am and talking this shit out loud. You were warned…
My alarm went off yesterday at 4:59 am. I was never a morning person. Back when I was super-broke living on the couch of a friend, I was usually still up at that time, smoking pot and vegetating. But thangs done changed on this side (meaning inside my head n heart) and by the time the alarm went off yesterday I had been going strong as an early bird for a few weeks now.
But yesterday was different, man, yesterday REAALLLLYYY sucked. No, I mean REAAALLLLLLYYY sucked. NO REAAALYY, REAALLLLLY, REEEEEEAAAAALLLLY sucked. Seriously sucked. I think you get the point…
I have my alarm-clock on the other side of the room so I had to get up to turn it off and then I was just standing there, totally zombied-out. A (not very good sounding) choir went off in my head:
quartet choir: “GET BACK TO BED!”
feeble me (stuttering feebly): “no”
church choir: “OF COURSE GO THE FUCK BACK TO BED, OTHERWISE YOU’LL DIE!!!”
zombie-feeble me: “uhm” (too zombied out to move)
chanting army: “ONLY THIS ONCE!!! The kids and Anne are going to Kindergarten anyway at 8, you have time then to do what you want to.”
near-dead me (now standing slanted sideways, slumped and drooping, basically turned static while falling): “hmm, makes sense”
vulcherous armada of army-choirs: “there you go, glad you see sense.”
so overwhelmed, dead on my feet and beaten I was just about to stumble back into bed, when…
me (last breath-style): “wait, just one thing: why did I actually want to get up so early in the first place?”
army: “uhm, dunno, who cares?”
me (first time slightly daring to look up): “I do. I’m not that crazy, I must have had a reason to set my alarm so early.”
church-choir: “probably not that important. go back now!!!”
me (shoulder going back now): “oh, I remember, I got up to work on my #moistcomputers #album (SIDENOTE: please, dear reader, believe I think in hashtags, please, please!!, ok back to story: “…got up to work on my #moistcomputers #album), to meditate, to exercise, to be the person I want to be”
chamber-choir: “that’s kinda gay.”
(to any gay person out there, I am sorry for having had this thought. I had it though, it sadly is the truth. My dark side stinks. I apologize. You are awesome, dear friend! Go love how and who you love!!)
me (head back, muscles-tensening, broad-chested (well, as broad as my chest becomes, cut me some slack)): “FUCK YOU! I know why I set the alarm.”
So, why I told you this is obviously to out myself as an insane, torn and insensitive brat. BUT I also shared this with you because I believe there could be something of value in this story for you as well.
You see, when I stood there, being battered by the thoughts in my head, I saw the situation I was in as an independent one, with no real consequences for my life. It was just this moment and nothing else.
When I asked the “WHY?” I suddenly remembered the story I have (consciously and willingly) created for myself. I recalled that getting up before the sun is kind of my Rocky Balboa moment, my hero’s journey. The truth is, asking that single WHY? changed my entire day. It gave me energy when I most needed it and consequently I achieved way more than I had hoped for in the entire day (I actually finished writing my historical musicology paper on number symbolism in the renaissance… yeah, exactly, it is less exciting than it sounds and you need a whole lot of energy to finish something like that).
Yesterday was a good day. And a good day leads to a good week, to a good month, a good year and a good life (hehe).